The Long Road

So my time deployed is coming to an end shortly.  I am excited to get back home after almost a year of being gone.  My goal is to keep training for the 40 - first, a marathon on April 13th in Raleigh, NC, and then another on the 4th of May in the hills of western NC.  Hopefully those two runs will prepare me for the long run in June.

How did I fare on my running goals for this deployment?  I was able to run the Marine Corps Marathon (Forward) this year, and am happy to have had that experience.  However, I was not able to make the goal of running without injury, which was one of my big concerns coming out here and starting long distance training.  

I went on R&R during November, and had a couple of great weeks home visiting my family.  I think I went on one four mile run, but for the most part just enjoyed the visit.  When I returned from R&R, I started doing some warm-up runs, no more than 3 miles or so.  The runs themselves didn't bother me.  One morning though, I woke up to a strange and painful sensation of a rock underfoot.  When I realized that there was no rock, I started worrying that I had injured my foot somehow.  I took it easy for a couple days but the pain would always be present in the morning, when I took my first steps out of bed.

I went to the doctor and physical therapist here, who poked and prodded.  From a preliminary internet search, I thought it might be metatarsalgia - a swelling of the capsule around the 2nd metatarsal joint - but my doctor thinks it might be osteoarthritis.  The physical therapist didn't have much for me besides some stretches, which didn't really help.

I was discouraged because of this minor injury - although I would like to work through the pain, I don't want to hurt myself permanently for the sake of an ultramarathon.  However, I started looking on the bright side.  The pain only irritates me first thing in the morning, and then goes away.  After a two week rest, I have started from scratch, starting with a mile and increasing about 10% every week - which is what I started when I first got out here.  Running on a paved surface doesn't bother me at all, but whenever I step on a stone while running, it hurts like hell.  After all, I am striking with the balls of the feet first, right where the pain usually is in the morning - but it goes away fairly quickly.  After a month or so, even the pain isn't always present first thing, so I think I am healing.  Once I get back to a world of paved roads everywhere, I think I will definitely be on the mend. 

When I get back I have already asked to see a specialist about my foot.  Even though I have worked my way back up to the mileage I need for training, I don't want to do permanent, long-term damage to the feet, and hope that another opinion may give me some better options to allow me to train AND heal.  The good news is that I should be seeing them sometime next month, which means I'll be home for good.    

Three Is A Magic Number

It's been three days now since my third marathon, and I have to say that I feel pretty good.  I definitely found the right balance between training and staying healthy and uninjured.

The Marine Corps (Forward) Marathon was very well organized, with water, sports drinks and often a snack or two available at every other mile.  The course was very close to what I was already running - at some point, you can't run around this base without having done it before - so I knew what to expect.  And the temperatures were cold - in the high 40s at 5 when I left for work, and probably in the low 50s a couple of hours later, so I ran with a sweatshirt without a problem.

Around mile twenty, I was dragging my feet a bit when the right shoe snagged a rock, sending me sprawling to the ground.  Today, my left knee and right elbow are still very sore, and I am sure that if I had not tripped and fallen that I would be feeling even better.  I am glad that I was able to get right back up and keep running, though.  We did have a couple of twisted ankles on the course.

I ran the second half faster than the first, although I can't tell you what my pace was because I wasn't keeping track.  I knew that I was doing very well, but didn't want to push it just to get a PR - again, not injuring myself was a big priority.

It turns out that I crossed the finish line at 4 hours and 22 minutes, 19 seconds.  That's a PR!!  My first marathon was 4 hours, 24 minutes, so I definitely have a good, maintained pace on flat terrain.

I felt good enough to PT with the Chiefs and First Class Petty Officers the next morning, even though my legs were sore.  I did a chest workout that Monday afternoon as well.  I took Tuesday off, and today I did a cardio workout and will hit my back and biceps this afternoon.  I will likely try a few miles on Friday or Saturday.  All in all, I am very, VERY excited about not just finishing the race, but how my training has paid off in being able to function afterwards.  I feel very positive about the possibility of finishing a 40 miler.  

The Insufferable Runner

A great Facebook post by a friend today pointed out an article by a blogger (author unknown) who writes for Wait But Why on "7 Ways to be Insufferable on Facebook".

Pretty sure this blog falls under Region A - statuses that serve the author.  I could (and do) claim that when things calm down a bit here I am either stalking our mini-fridge (or worse, the Chaplain's full-sized refrigerator next door) or something equally unproductive, so a bit of writing practice helps pass the time.  
But, for the most part, this is about me running.

Time to make a change and try to steer this towards a positive angle.  I have been toying with the idea of running for a cause for a few months now.  The Marine Corps (Forward) Marathon is just ten days away, and it will be the bellwether to tell me if I have the chops to run 40 miles before I proclaim this feat to the world.  I ran a slow 20 miles yesterday, and feel pretty good today, which is making me think that I can actually do this.

The kick-off for my fundraiser will start when I get back home from deployment. More on that later.  

Concerns: minor stiffness and aches in my left leg, mostly in the retinaculum (the tendon that crosses over the top part of the foot) and in my knee.  Also, my shoes are near their breaking point - there is a large hole in the left shoe, on the side, about the size of a quarter.  I don't want to buy new shoes out here, just to get them filthy with moon dust.  I can ride it out for another month.

Good stuff: moderate soreness during the day, but literally none the day after for long runs greater than 15 miles.  My 9 mile runs are fairly pain-free.  

Extra: My weight is steady at around 170, and I've been holding now for over 4 months, with only minor variations.  Body fat is going down according to my taping results, so that means that my upper body workouts are adding some muscle, and I'm not losing it from running.  Very happy about that.  

Even more extra: got to get back into a regular posting schedule.  While I'm working on it, seriously...check out Wait But Why.  I really like the graphics that accompany his blog.

Ego Trip

One of the hardest decisions I am currently making regarding this run is not whether to run – I've already passed that hurdle – or what to do if I can't run the whole way.  

The hardest thing for me is to share it.

The whole idea of a run to me is enjoying the solitude.  I do enjoy the occasional run with another human being, but my ideal run is long, quiet, and being completely alone.  

I don't have any presumptions that I will be joined by anyone along the way.  I have had an offer or two, but have always politely declined.  This run is all about me.  And the choice I am still considering (as of today) is to keep it that way.  

Outside of the random reader who stumbled onto this blog (my sincere apologies), maybe five people outside of the interwebs know about my plans.  Two or three know my intended route.  Only I have thought about more than that.  And I could run, anonymously, ignoring the honks and waves from passing drivers, enjoying the scenery and then later the agony, and getting completely absorbed with myself and my inner thoughts.  And part of me would be very happy with that knowledge, passed along to no other person.

If I execute this blog to completion, posting about my thoughts and feelings regarding this run and other distractions, and moreover, publish it for the world to see, do I lose that intimacy?  What do I gain from letting anyone into what is essentially a long workout?  What do they (you) get out of it?  And worse yet, in the moment of my proving myself to myself, what if no one cares?  Is what I know enough?

If a man runs 40 miles and doesn't blog about it, does it make a sound?  What if I ran in the forest?  What if I ran in the forest and saw a tree fall, heard the sound, and then fell into a giant hole, never to be heard from again – did the tree still make that sound?  Is there a blog about falling trees somewhere?

Pseudo-philosophical questions aside, the question still deserves asking: am I willing to make this run by myself, for myself, or do I need some external validation?  I am still asking this to myself, even as I type another post.  I've wrestled with pulling the plug on this project on more than one occasion, out of disgust with my own ego trip.  And yet, I find my way back here, typing again.  Maybe the writing and running are just different forms of catharsis.  Maybe I am just a vain narcissist who likes writing smug blog posts.  

I'm off to find a blog about falling trees.  I've got to give that person some love.

The Jealous Runner

I was browsing Facebook when I saw an old friend from my days stationed at Great Lakes.  He had a short post: "25 miles done.  Halfway feeling ok."

I immediately looked where he was posting from, and then Googled ultramarathons in that area.  Sure enough, there was a local ultramarathon called the "Ice Age Trail" that was going on that day.  But I wasn't satisfied - I asked if that was the race he was running.  He liked my post.  I still wasn't satisfied.  

Later on he posts, "More later but 50 miles in the books.  Roughly 10 hours 16 minutes."  Question answered - my first friend to run an ultramarathon.

Turns out that this wasn't his first, but his SECOND ultramarathon.  Two fifty mile runs, as I imagine him gently striding through his own fortieth year on the planet.  And I find myself intensely jealous.

Of what?  There are plenty of square miles on the earth, and by no means am I the first person to contemplate running longer than marathon lengths.  But why this reaction?  I love this guy, who has gone with me to rock concerts, and awful Matrix sequels, and introduced me to Rockabilly (or was it hillbilly punk?).  I should have nothing but admiration for his efforts.

And yet I think I already know the answer to that question.  Not only is he running further, he's not boasting or bragging.  Two quick lines on Facebook, is all.  And this wasn't even his first race.  I have a blog dedicated to one run, a year from now.  Hell, I had an idea to dedicate every mile of my run to a different person, posting it all to Facebook and this blog.  Why the fanfare?  What am I looking for?  What am I running for?

I have to run on that one for a bit.

One Step, One Day, At A Time

I have found myself recently in territory that I haven't traveled in some time.  One Friday morning, my supervisor pulls me aside when I first got in and asks to speak to me in private.  In the hallway, he tells me that the promotion results came out, and I didn't make the cut.

I was in zone for a promotion to O5, a full commander.  I was the only one in zone in my community, and it was a small window of people chosen to be looked at for promotion this year.  I knew it was going to be tough.  I thought that I had a competitive record, but it was not a perfect record.  I even deployed with the dreadful anticipation that I would not get picked up, and was therefore already looking to improve my chances.

None of these things, however, eased the pain of that news.  I scanned his face, thinking he was pulling one over on me.  Now weeks later, and I still want to believe that.  But it was no joke; I checked online as soon as I could to verify, and he was telling the truth.   

I've been told that there are phases to getting news like this.  Of all the emotions that I have gone through, the one lingering is bitterness.  I am still very bitter about the results.  For one, it makes me think that the United States Navy doesn't want me.  Their own system filtered me out, along with the rest of the undesirables that Big Navy did not think could lead their Sailors.  Of course, this is nonsense.  Not the system, which should work to weed out non-leaders, but the idea that an organization is deliberately, and with great prejudice, denying my stated abilities.  Big Navy is like any other large machine.  We are designed to be used as the critical cogs to help the machine run, but ultimately, we will be replaced and not a shit will be given.  Someone once told me another good analogy, one of shark teeth.  A shark's teeth are pointy and dangerous, but if they get stuck on something the tooth is discarded, and another one moves to take its place.  The shark smoothly sails on, none the wiser.

The other sting is to my ego.  Prior to this, I had no trouble with promotions, although I had only one promotion under my belt.  I was already an O3 when I started active duty, thanks to all of my schooling.  I didn't have a perfect record for O4 either, but I made it in the first round.  I guess in my hubris, I began to see people that couldn't be promoted while they were in-zone to be unworthy, dirtbags that the Navy was weeding out - which caused a nasty feedback loop with my other thoughts.  

The blow to my ego was rough, but now I have had time to heal and think and meditate...and run.  In the end, I will keep on trying, keep on pushing ahead, keep on working on my fitness reports and making good career choices and forging forward, no matter how painful it gets.  I like to think that this resilience will work for me during my runs, as well.  I'll let you know as I continue to put feet to pavement, and words to print.

Autopilot

Today I was thinking and running, and realized that I wasn't really giving my feet any commands whatsoever.  My motor cortex was operating smoothly, without any higher thought processes, and one leg followed the other in an easy pace.  

I watched my legs for a bit, marveling at the mind's ability to partition that complex movement and choreography, while allowing me to just enjoy the ride.  I realized that if I am I'm dreaming at night, it's hard for me to start running.  My legs feel like they're encased in quicksand.  The motor cortex is inhibited during R.E.M. sleep, so I wonder if my daydreaming brain, the one that looked on while my legs cranked away, just doesn't know how to run?

It's an odd feeling to become so self-aware, so in the moment, when you realize that your body is moving, and will continue to move, without any further objections from me.  It's a different kind of self-awareness, free of the self-examination, self-judgement and self-criticism that I feel when writing, at least to my imaginary audience.  It felt good, and it was a good run.