I have found myself recently in territory that I haven't traveled in some time. One Friday morning, my supervisor pulls me aside when I first got in and asks to speak to me in private. In the hallway, he tells me that the promotion results came out, and I didn't make the cut.
I was in zone for a promotion to O5, a full commander. I was the only one in zone in my community, and it was a small window of people chosen to be looked at for promotion this year. I knew it was going to be tough. I thought that I had a competitive record, but it was not a perfect record. I even deployed with the dreadful anticipation that I would not get picked up, and was therefore already looking to improve my chances.
None of these things, however, eased the pain of that news. I scanned his face, thinking he was pulling one over on me. Now weeks later, and I still want to believe that. But it was no joke; I checked online as soon as I could to verify, and he was telling the truth.
I've been told that there are phases to getting news like this. Of all the emotions that I have gone through, the one lingering is bitterness. I am still very bitter about the results. For one, it makes me think that the United States Navy doesn't want me. Their own system filtered me out, along with the rest of the undesirables that Big Navy did not think could lead their Sailors. Of course, this is nonsense. Not the system, which should work to weed out non-leaders, but the idea that an organization is deliberately, and with great prejudice, denying my stated abilities. Big Navy is like any other large machine. We are designed to be used as the critical cogs to help the machine run, but ultimately, we will be replaced and not a shit will be given. Someone once told me another good analogy, one of shark teeth. A shark's teeth are pointy and dangerous, but if they get stuck on something the tooth is discarded, and another one moves to take its place. The shark smoothly sails on, none the wiser.
The other sting is to my ego. Prior to this, I had no trouble with promotions, although I had only one promotion under my belt. I was already an O3 when I started active duty, thanks to all of my schooling. I didn't have a perfect record for O4 either, but I made it in the first round. I guess in my hubris, I began to see people that couldn't be promoted while they were in-zone to be unworthy, dirtbags that the Navy was weeding out - which caused a nasty feedback loop with my other thoughts.
The blow to my ego was rough, but now I have had time to heal and think and meditate...and run. In the end, I will keep on trying, keep on pushing ahead, keep on working on my fitness reports and making good career choices and forging forward, no matter how painful it gets. I like to think that this resilience will work for me during my runs, as well. I'll let you know as I continue to put feet to pavement, and words to print.
I was in zone for a promotion to O5, a full commander. I was the only one in zone in my community, and it was a small window of people chosen to be looked at for promotion this year. I knew it was going to be tough. I thought that I had a competitive record, but it was not a perfect record. I even deployed with the dreadful anticipation that I would not get picked up, and was therefore already looking to improve my chances.
None of these things, however, eased the pain of that news. I scanned his face, thinking he was pulling one over on me. Now weeks later, and I still want to believe that. But it was no joke; I checked online as soon as I could to verify, and he was telling the truth.
I've been told that there are phases to getting news like this. Of all the emotions that I have gone through, the one lingering is bitterness. I am still very bitter about the results. For one, it makes me think that the United States Navy doesn't want me. Their own system filtered me out, along with the rest of the undesirables that Big Navy did not think could lead their Sailors. Of course, this is nonsense. Not the system, which should work to weed out non-leaders, but the idea that an organization is deliberately, and with great prejudice, denying my stated abilities. Big Navy is like any other large machine. We are designed to be used as the critical cogs to help the machine run, but ultimately, we will be replaced and not a shit will be given. Someone once told me another good analogy, one of shark teeth. A shark's teeth are pointy and dangerous, but if they get stuck on something the tooth is discarded, and another one moves to take its place. The shark smoothly sails on, none the wiser.
The other sting is to my ego. Prior to this, I had no trouble with promotions, although I had only one promotion under my belt. I was already an O3 when I started active duty, thanks to all of my schooling. I didn't have a perfect record for O4 either, but I made it in the first round. I guess in my hubris, I began to see people that couldn't be promoted while they were in-zone to be unworthy, dirtbags that the Navy was weeding out - which caused a nasty feedback loop with my other thoughts.
The blow to my ego was rough, but now I have had time to heal and think and meditate...and run. In the end, I will keep on trying, keep on pushing ahead, keep on working on my fitness reports and making good career choices and forging forward, no matter how painful it gets. I like to think that this resilience will work for me during my runs, as well. I'll let you know as I continue to put feet to pavement, and words to print.
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